Killing him
by OreNoTameNi
Summary: Vash has been ordered to kill his old childhood friend, he can't do it, can he? But should he? He meets his sister again, he has to realize and think about his mistakes and how he came to loathe himself like he does. An Edelweiss (I call it that, but whatever) one-shot. It's AU, and includes character death.


**Here's an Austria x Switzerland oneshot. I just decided to write something. Warnings: AU, Be prepared for character death (I'll set my hands free, I have no idea what they'll write) Really I think that this is the best story I've written so far, not that it's really good but... Well, here it is:  
**

They said I had to kill him.

I couldn't believe it.

I wouldn't

I had agreed to this job. I wasn't allowed to have conscience or feelings, nothing that would hinder me from doing my job. I did what they told me to do. In other words, I killed those who they told me to kill. I had worked with this for two years and I had never had to regret anything, never think it through, any second thoughts in this job would be followed by death. So now was the first time, I actually felt anything.

This wasn't a job that you could just quit. It's either do it or die. Kill or be killed. It had always been so easy for me. So why now, after all these years. Why would I want to spare a life, every life is worth as much. Why a certain life would mean more to me. I knew the answer. A life we're familiar with means something, by the kill even we would have to suffer, we would notice. A life we don't know anything about, we don't know who will cry, what will be lost, does it mean something to me? To me who has killed so many? Deep inside it might, but not much.

Why couldn't I just kill him like all the others? Quickly and secretly, without them even noticing it. No time to think about it. No time for nothing. I knew the answer, but I couldn't accept it, I wouldn't accept it. I just had to kill him. At least I could do it gently, without suffering. Because, whether _I _did it or not, he would still die, they would kill me and send someone else after him.

I didn't understand why anyone would want to have him killed. He was weak, a coward almost, what could he possibly have done? He was my childhood friend, the one I always ended up saving, and carrying home.

I knew it would be easy to kill him. Too easy. In a way. In the other way it would be incredibly difficult. Impossible it could almost be called. Maybe I was just imagining it, maybe this would work out, and be easy, just like all the other times. Maybe…

No, inside I knew that all this was just wishful thinking. If I wouldn't kill him someone else would. In reality there would be pain, pain caused by me and to me. And the truth was that the only one that was important to me was the latter. I couldn't care less about anyone else, who knew him, liked him, was involved in his life in any way. Only I mattered. To me.

I had to do it. That was my decision; they would just send someone else to kill us both otherwise, someone who had no emotional bond towards him.

I hated him, was what I tried to convince myself. I hated how he acted, all snobby and high and mighty, like he owned me, was better than me, had authority over me. No way!

It might be that for a moment I actually hated him, that I still did, but it wasn't _hate_, not really. Not deep hate, not the one, you hate somebody wholeheartedly, not that kind of hate, at least not anymore. It's been, let me count…well anyway, more than ten years since I last saw him, back then we fought so bad, I told him I never wanted to hear of him again. Until now that has stayed true. Really, could I admit it, even in my thoughts? It was so weak, but really. I missed him, that fool, his dark hair, arrogant attitude, weakness, the mole, the way he laughed…

I asked the question on my mind, the one I shouldn't have asked, the one no one ever asked in this business: Why? The person who received my words, at first she only eyed me suspiciously, like I had just asked her what the meaning of life is, in the middle of a conversation about health-care products, like it would have been closely related to the subject, meaning like if I was a total moron. Then after a while of that she answered slowly, so that 'I surely would understand' kind of manner.

"I-I think it was a family grudge or something"

I looked her in the eyes, just said alright and walked away. She was left there staring at me like I had caught some kind of deadly disease.

For a family grudge! Were they serious, I had to kill him for _a family grudge_! I was boiling on the inside but kept my calm expression, I was walking down a crowded street, on my way home. I didn't want to explode in front of all these people, self-control…

But…

I didn't want to kill him, I was definitely sure about that. But shouldn't I do it, I killed everyone else, now was not the time to be selfish. Yes! Yes it was! Shouted that little voice inside me. Why is it so difficult? You would ask. Why not just take him and run away? You ask. Well it's not that easy, I know the whole city, and I've worked for this organisation for a long enough time, I know that we couldn't get out of here, and we couldn't hide inside, it was impossible, we could survive for a few days maybe, if we were lucky. And what said that he'd believe me, even less follow me to hide in some trashy place from the luxurious life I was pretty sure that he lived right now. I was a hated childhood friend, who would have reasons to do that just for fun! But I never actually would, not to him, not to anyone, but especially not to him. He couldn't know that, when we last met, we were tiny children, ten-year-olds or something similar to that. There was no way he'd believe me.

I had to do it in a few days' time; otherwise they would eliminate me straight away. I will not define any closer who 'they' are. I was going to try it tomorrow, today I would use to prepare myself, and my guns. I loved my guns and had before I got this job been partly addicted to them. I had had a shooting range; I had lived with my sister. Now I lived alone in an attic, saving all the money I could get, for the purpose of saving it. And I shot people with my guns.

================= 12h later===================

Now it was time. I had to wake up. I had wasted money on an alarm clock that didn't even work properly! It often stopped in the middle of the night, and plus to that it was shaped as a mouse, a ugly mouse. It hadn't woken me today either, it was already 11AM. This time I usually _never_ slept this long. But today I did. Well… I hadn't fallen asleep before 5AM so I guess it's somehow understandable. But now I got up, ate a minimalistic breakfast and went out. I always preferred not being home, since the whole place was pathetic, just a little cabin with too low ceiling and almost no furniture except for a futon, a table and a refrigerator, and before there had been a microwave oven but that one had broken a long time ago.

I walked through small dark alleys, towards a little shop. The shop was that kind of shop where they didn't ask questions, the customers were the lowest of filth. I guess I belonged to that group.

It had all started when my sister, Lili, left. We used to be very close, even though she was only adopted to our family when I was 12. That was because of me, I had seen her in an orphanage and couldn't leave her there, she looked sad and suffering, so I convinced my parents, who were quite rich to adopt her. She always used to say that I was kind and sweet, even though everyone else saw me as short-tempered un-polite, mean and grumpy. After my parents died I took care of her alone, I might admit that I may have been _a little_ over-protective. At first she was cute and obedient, complimenting me and caring about me too, saying that she loved me… But then she hit the rebellious age, we started arguing and she started spending more time with her friends, then she got a boyfriend, I hated him, tearing us apart from each other. When I was 18, and she 15 she started not coming home at night, I was really mad at her and grounded her, forbade her from meeting her boyfriend. That was a grave mistake, one day I couldn't find her anywhere, she had run away with _that guy_. She was happy with him, not pregnant living somewhere far away; she would visit me sometime when I had gotten over my 'problems' she said in a letter a year after she ran away. At that time I had already sold the house, I had sunken deep, I was an assassin, a murderer and I was a good one. I couldn't let her see me like this, I cared for her deeply and I wanted to save her from the sight of me as I was now. I felt really pathetic. I sent an answer, not sure if it ever reached its destination, telling her that I loved her but that I hated the guy and I wouldn't meet her, I was trying to hurt her feelings so that she wouldn't hope anymore. I despised myself for being what I was, doing the things I did, but still I couldn't stop.

I found the door I was searching for and opened it. It creaked slightly. I walked straight up to the counter, where a pretty girl, less than my age probably, was standing, looking suspiciously at me.

"My guns"

I just said, glaring at her hostilely. The other was quiet, glaring back at me, but left into the shadows behind her and after a moment came back with the guns. With a silent look she told me to take the one I wished. I, just as quietly, studied my beloved 'friends' and picked one up from the table.

"Money"

She said.

"I have paid"

I looked at her murderously while saying this, as quietly as a whisper, clearly a threat. She looked at me for a moment, and apparently decided that it was better not to take the chance, she looked away from me, gesturing that he accepted my words.

"Ivan"

I said, meaning that I wanted to see Ivan, he was my information provider, he could tell me where my target was and what his routines were, on a short notice with just a little research. The girl nodded and once again disappeared into the other room. After a while she came out and pointed for me to go inside, this time she was being surrounded by something that I thought wouldn't give up to my threats, so I just walked into the darkness.

He was there waiting for me, with his scarf that he always wore, and the stupid-looking smile.

"Hello Vash! What can I do for you this time?"

He said so in an overly cheerful voice, still smiling with his eyes closed.

"Wipe that smile of your face Ivan"

"Why, I'm really happy, you came to see me and _you will make someone suffer thanks to me, _da? Why shouldn't I smile?"

I sighed and ignored him, I was already, after two years used to this. He was from the beginning Russian, not that that had anything to do with it, except for perhaps, the 'da' that he put in the end of most of his sentences.

"I need to know everything you know about Roderich Edelstein"

"Then so it is"

We sat there for a moment in silence and then he broke it.

"Are you in a hurry, you seem to be stressed, _or is it something about this new victim?_"

I was shocked, was it really that easy to read me? I had thought that in these two years I would have learned to keep my outer mask in any situation.

"W-What!"

"_Sorry _Vash" Ivan said, his smile now seeming creepy" No offense, _just a question, da?_" His tone suggested that he knew something.

I regained my composure, my mask, and started glaring. I remembered the rule in this world 'trust no one, especially not anyone you're even a bit close to' adding in my mind a little 'and even more especially not Ivan' to it. All the time Ivan just smiled.

"Well, I think I'll have everything you need still today, be back at midnight"

"Alright"

That I said and left, very nervous now, of course trying not to show it, in my eyes succeeding, in Ivan's obviously not. The girl in the shop stared at me as I disappeared out of the slightly creaking door.

I didn't want to go home so I just wandered aimlessly in the city, that I now called my home. Did I forget to mention that I moved far away from my earlier home in the countryside to a big city with many people, also people like me.

I just let my feet lead my way, and thought about everything, would I die? Was I ready for it? Was I heartless enough not to? The only question that I could answer was the last one, and the answer was yes. But it was my selfishness that was the problem. Could I bring myself to actually do it, even if I would feel guilty, even if it would be easier for him?

"Brother!"

At first I was surprised when I heard that, all too familiar voice. Then I was terrified, I couldn't let her know how I was.

"Brother is it really you? What are you doing here?"

Now, If this would have been some really ridiculous thing, I would have just taken a fake beard out of nowhere and turned to her saying something like 'Sorry, who is it that you mean' faking my voice. But since this now wasn't and I had no fake beard at hand I reluctantly answered:

"Lili, uh, nice to see you"

"It really is you! I never thought I'd meet you here! Are you in a hurry, would you have time to talk to me for a bit?"

I was going to answer 'Sorry, I'm busy' I really was, but then I imagined the disappointment on her face when she heard this. Or perhaps she wasn't going to be disappointed, perhaps it was all for me, I really wanted to talk to her.

"Well…Just a moment then"

We walked quietly for a while, I followed her. The whole situation was really awkward.

"So, what are you doing here brother?"

"I've lived here for more than three years"

"Really? Why? What have you done with the house?"

"I sold it, soon after you left and moved here, the house was far too big for only me"

"Oh"

The awkward silence returned as we kept on walking. I broke it.

"What brings you here then?"

"I live here too, we never thought that you'd come here"

"You're still with that guy?"

"Yes… You're not going to do anything to him, are you?"

"No…"

"What do you work as nowadays?"

Here came the question I so badly would have wanted to avoid. The one I had to lie on. But my brain was emptied of all good lies, I was slightly panicking.

"E-Er…I…It's a secret?"

She looked at me clearly suspecting something, and then she blamed me for something.

"Brother! Really!"

"S-Sorry Lili, but I really can't tell you"

"You're doing something bad, aren't you, or are you out of money living on the street?"

"I can promise you that I'm not out of money!"

"Of course not… But still!"

"Well you'll regret it if you get to know it!"

Now she brought those puppy eyes into the fight. She knew that I couldn't resist them, dammit! She lowered her voice and almost as quietly as a whisper she said:

"Tell me…"

Alright, if she really wanted to know I'll tell her, I'll tell her everything! All the pain, the death, the hate, I'll tell her about all of it!

"If you really want to know, you can never tell anyone, swear that, you will have to live with the knowledge, alone. Are you ready to ruin your life just because you want to know?"

I was sure she'd give up. I should've known better.

"Tell me"

"Come with me"

She followed behind me in silence; she didn't really have any idea what she would hear. I lead her to the little attic, up the stairs to my home.

"You live in this kind of a place!"

"…Yes, something wrong with it?"

"…No…"

She sat down on the floor and looked expectantly at me. She wouldn't have if she would have known what I was going to tell her.

"So?"

"I'm an assassin"

She just stared at me, not believing her ears.

"S-So, y-you _kill people_"

I nodded.

"Why! Brother, why?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I couldn't answer that; I couldn't tell her that it was because of her.

When she left, I became a wreck, my whole world was crumbling, she had been half of everything I had, the rest consisting of my memories, the house and my guns. And my job that I lost almost immediately after it. I decided to sell the house since it cost too much to keep; I had kept it only for Lili's sake. I felt so betrayed, I had taken care of her and this was how she thanked me for that. I didn't understand anything back then. And that I realised now. I had realised that the only things I was good at was saving money by buying low-quality products and shooting. I had accidentally drifted to the place where I had discovered an easy way to get money. I had been murderous, felt so much hate towards people, everyone I knew had betrayed me. I channelled my anger towards my victims in the forms of bullets. Now I was just empty.

Back to the now Lili said nothing; she just looked at me with a sad look. Was it pity? Disappointment, pure horror, just sadness? All of them probably.

"I-I just want to say goodbye, since I might die tomorrow"

Lili got herself back.

"Why that _brother?_"

I heard the sarcasm in her voice, the hate; I didn't even know she was capable of that; she was always so sweet…

"I have been ordered to kill Roderich"

I said as if that would have explained everything. To Lili it did and now it was clearly pity that I saw in her eyes.

"Oh no! You won't do it, right?"

"Probably not, but we both will just be killed for that so I should"

"Just to save your own skin!"

"No, Lili, if I don't kill him the others will kill him and first question and torture him for having any kind of association to me, the selfish thing for me would be not to kill him myself, without suffering"

"Oh"

She was staring at the floor.

"Well, if I'll never see you again, I'm happy I met you again, love you, goodbye" All this I said with a smiling face, and quietly added, _"I hope you can forgive me"_

She started crying, from whatever emotion she was experiencing, I would have comforted her but I wasn't sure if she had recovered from me killing people, as she said.

"Brother…"

She stood up to leave.

"Farewell, Lili"

"Farewell"

When she exited I door I let myself hear, whether it was real or not that she said: _"I forgive you"_

Just hope, I know. I didn't deserve to be forgiven, I knew that, but my selfish wishes wanted me to die in peace, so I made myself believe that my dear sister had forgiven me for all bad I had done, one relief, among so many others that I should apologize to.

================ A few hours later=================

I was on my way back to Ivan's, it was he who owned the shop, and the girl there had been his sister? Well, now she wasn't there and I went straight to meet Ivan. He sat there waiting, of course smiling.

"Give it"

I shortly said. I was in an even worse mood since meeting my sister; I didn't have time to play his game now.

"My, my, aren't we tense Vash?"

I seriously didn't have time for this!

"Just give the information, dammit!"

"Well… If you insist then." He took some papers and started reading the words that were probably written them. "Roderich Edelstein, 21 years old, lives with his rich parents at -street in a mansion. His hobbies are playing the piano and telling others what to do, this particular night he is at home, right now he is drinking coffee in his favourite chair, and do you want me to continue?"

It was creepy how much he knew, but I asked no questions, he asked no questions, it was a silent agreement. But I never wanted to be the one he wants to see suffering. I let him know that it was enough and started leaving, but he interrupted me.

"His best childhood friend was a certain Vash Zwingli…"

I froze; of course he would have known that too, I shouldn't have trusted him on this case.

"Shut up!" _Best, I don't think so_

"Really, _Vash_, now he has a girlfriend named Elizabeta-"

"I don't want to hear that Ivan, I said it was _enough_"

"If you say so"

===================== In maybe an hour======================

Now I was there, at Roderich's house. I saw him, exactly as Ivan said, still sitting in his chair drinking coffee. I was lurking in the shadows watching him. I couldn't help but look at him, he had changed so much in all those years, he was what you call beautiful I guess. I was in the middle of admiring my former friend when I remembered that I was there to kill him. Now I realised that I couldn't do it, I didn't care about anything, I just wanted to talk to him one last time. Ivan knew, there was no difference between me killing him or not, I would die in either case, Ivan would not keep the secret when it was something that would kill me.

I started crying without noticing it. I sobbed loudly so even Roderich heard it. I realised this and immediately quieted myself. But the mistake was already made; Roderich had noticed and started slowly walking towards the place where I was hiding. I pulled out my gun, still crying. He came closer and closer.

"Who are you?!" He shouted, then after a short pause he surprised exclaimed "Vash?"

"So, you still recognise me Roderich, huh?" My eyes were teary and full of hurt.

He started coming even closer to me, then he saw my gun, pointed at him and stopped dead. "V-Vash!"

"Don't you dare come any closer to me or I'll pull the trigger!" I was emptying floods of salty water out of my eyes.

"B-But, why Vash?"

"I do w-what I have to do"

At these words I prepared to fire, I saw him closing his eyes, also preparing. He waited. And waited, and waited, but when he was still alive in three moments he opened one of his eyes to look at me. I was lying on the floor, face down, sobbing and crying uncontrollably.

"I-I can't do it after all, s-sorry R-Roderich, I c-can't k-kill y-you"

"But why?"

I ended up telling Roderich everything, the whole story of my miserable life, how pathetic I was, how I loathed myself, and the way I drove even my own little sister away from me. He listened to it all quietly, even the part where I told him that we both didn't have much lifetime left.

"But my question was, why can't you kill me?"

That's what he wondered about, and he was still totally calm, how couldn't he be, he had just heard that he would die! But why couldn't I kill him? I should ask that from myself. Because he had been my friend? No, I knew the answer; there was more to it than that.

"Because I love you Roderich"

It didn't matter anymore; we would die anyway, so I could as well admit it to myself. And to him it seemed. He didn't look surprised enough, he couldn't have expected that answer, seriously?

"So it is"

'What kind of an answer is that!' I thought, and said out aloud too.

"I was hoping for that answer"

"Why?"

He sat there on his knees, his violet eyes looking into mine and replied:

"Because I feel the same"

What! He just sat there and said something like that calmly. It made me incredibly happy, but that sure was a lame way to say it. Well, I guess it was no use anyway; we were both going to die.

"We're both going to die" I stated. My tears had stopped; I had emptied myself of them.

"So we are"

We were both looking sadly at each other, sitting there in the lake of my tears on the floor. We smiled and just kept looking for what felt like an eternity. Nothing was said, the emotions were swirling around, happiness, sadness, anger, hopelessness, bitterness, it was just a really weird situation.

"So, what can we do?"

He asked.

"Absolutely nothing"

I knew Ivan would be there by morning, we only had one night left to life. Both of us together.

"Due to the circumstances: Let's commit suicide"

That he said, perfectly calmly, and seriously. But that was a splendid idea, I just don't realise how I didn't think of it myself, it would save us from being killed by others, our pride, even if that really didn't matter when you were dead. I had three guns with me so it would be easy.

"But, in the morning, for now let us live."

===============================In the morning=========================================

It was time; I could almost hear the people who were there to kill us. But we wouldn't let them do it. After one last farewell and a kiss we had taken out my guns, looking at each other without tears, knowing that this wasn't a happy ending. Without any count, reading from our eyes, we fired the guns at the same second.

When _they _came, they only found our bodies lying lifeless on the floor.

We were buried together, there were a lot of guests but all were for him. The only one that cried for _me _wasmysister.

**So, I'm not really sure if I like how this turned out, I meant to have a happy ending to this, I really did! So this is pretty strange… I apologize for possible crappiness, OOC:ness and just otherwise weirdness. Sorry for making Ivan like that too, and Switzerland, he's so nice, I shouldn't have turned him into this… Too late to regret it now. And the end is… hmm… Please review, without criticism I can't get better, and you know, even one little positive review makes me soooooooooooo happy. Dontcha wanna make me happy? Nyah, no need, just said. Thank you for reading.**


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